Sunday, November 23, 2008

is love "passé"


sometimes i wonder what keeps a relationship going? long after the proverbial "honeymoon period" has dried up and left no stains. also, does it have to take two to make it really work? and also, does it always have to work?

i understand there is a graph for any relationship, but isn't it a shame that the quieter one is always tracking it and is taken to be the weaker one. over the many years i have stuffed into fewer years, i have come to realise that it takes alot more to silently forgive the one you love while they unleash their wrath unfairly ocourse, at you. ive realised that it takes alot of patience to wait till they return to be the self you had fallen in love with and that sometimes the wait never ends.

im sure we all believe that the one that makes us feel sweet is the one and we pray so furiously that we then believe it will happen. what does one do, when change has come knocking? what can you do to reach out and make your partner realise that the best gifts of life are they, themselves. that life is a bitch and you both can make more of it than alone grudgingly. that whatever comes, happens and encroaches, as long as they love, it too shall pass. what language can you talk? what song can you sing? what dance can you dance? how do you penetrate hopelessness and draw out the hidden person?

sometimes i wonder if i should let love be such an important part of my life, specifically when everyone tells me it has been replaced by "convenience". apparently, thats the in thing. the endless phone calls are now texts for the next rendezvous, love poems are now the latest gigs, proposals are now simply strategic.

i still read my poems and dream of his arms around me, i still remind myself of his warmth every time he held me. i still smile when the phone rings and pout when have to hang up. i guess im old fashioned, im way too much in love with love to give it all up.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

when you wait for love...


what can be the true definition of love? the commitment, the ability to be truly committed without a doubt? the ability to give? the ability to merge with the other so seamlessly that you just cant tell one's thought from the other? how do you know you are in love? way after the tingling in the spine is gone and the horrendous phone bills rankle your night sleep...how do you know its the deal, when you have had your first fight, then another and another? what happens when in every argument, its always whose worse? bush or tony blair? and there is no winning? what do you know about love, when you can't stay a day away from the other, yet many a times demand time apart...only to be unsuccessful...

is love, what most say, a fleeting moment and cannot ever convert into a life time promise? is being together easier when you are not in love? is love not what gives you strength to fight all odds? does love not make anything worth it at all?

i know this much is true. it is love that makes me smile and feel good about life, even when we fight, even when we sulk, i just know that when he will hold me, i will be happy and i can promise, no Prozac brings me more peace than his presence in my life. not just that, this funny emotion i don't tire of, makes me give, all i have and i do sometimes wonder how good can that be, but i know no other way.

my growing up years, not the best i can honestly state, i made god make me a promise, i will deal with all the challenges he throws at me, just give me the love of my life and never mess with that. i had no idea who he would be, what he would do, believed i would know it. no, this is no fairytale, and I'm no princess. i do believe i met him, i feel as though we were destined, but what does make of that? what are all the hints life is throwing at us? if this is what love is, then we should be fine, we should make it, but will we? will the wait for this answer bring as much happiness as the wait at the Waverly( Edinburgh) years ago bring? i certainly hope so...

paradox of paradox


paradox is such a conniving rodent in our lives, its almost impossible to imagine life without it. think about it, duality is so prevalent, strong yet flexible, new yet rooted...most of our decisions galvanise this modest looking hole dweller into a full fledged epidemic.

last night was spent mostly deliberating on the same, how this paradox, changes form, from hypocrisy to diplomacy, from harmless to targeted, how this DNA axis, curves along our lives. who decides what is good and what is bad? is this too led by convenience? is this another self preserver? another hand of the mystic selfishness? or is this the true judge of survival?

many a times, being a woman, makes me perhaps ask more questions that i otherwise would, and most of the times, i find myself balancing the argument, rather delicately. what is modern yet traditional? homely yet working? what is loyal yet free? what is selfish yet selfless? what are these roles? and who makes them?

is it possible that he loves me, yet he doesnt?

Sunday, September 7, 2008

the human revolution

how many times have we looked without ourselves for excuses to justify a certain short coming, either in our conviction, or in our decision? how often we hide behind excuses inorder to pacify our urging conscience? nothing in this world is achieved in a hidden corner, specifically the kind where you ahve no strength, no courage, no wisdom and certainly no compassion. lets be very clear, one who lies, or decieves not only hurts, but also disrespects. what we need is a revolution, the one that happens inside us, making us see the world the way it shoud be. here is an article im sure you will find inspiring:

Human Revolution


(From a series of essays by Daisaku Ikeda first published in the Philippine magazine Mirror, in 1998)

Life is about expressing and developing our individuality as fully as possible--it is about self-realization. This process is what I call "human revolution."

There are many kinds of revolutions-political, economic, industrial, scientific, artistic, and so on. But no matter how external factors change, the world will never get better as long as people remain selfish and apathetic. As John F. Kennedy said, in 1963, "Our problems are manmade--therefore, they can be solved by man. And man can be as big as he wants."

An inner change for the better in a single person is the essential first turn of the wheel in the process of making the human race stronger and wiser. This "human revolution" is, I believe, the most fundamental and most vital of all revolutions. This revolution-an inner process of self-reformation- is completely bloodless and peaceful. In it everyone wins and there are no victims.

Life is a struggle with ourselves; it is a tug-of-war between moving forward and slipping backward, between happiness and misery. We are changing constantly, but the real issue is whether we change for the better or the worse, whether or not we succeed in enlarging our narrow, self-centered focus to take a broader view.

Every day we are faced with countless choices and decisions. We have to decide which path to take in order to feel good about ourselves and become better, more generous-spirited individuals? If we just allow ourselves to be ruled by force of habit, the way we've always reacted to a given situation, we will be drawn down the path of least resistance and stop growing as a person.

But if we succeed in challenging ourselves on a fundamental level, we can change from someone who is buffeted about by the environment or the people around us, to someone who can positively influence our situation and surroundings. We actually create the unique shape of our lives by the infinite choices we make each day.

True individuality and character never come to full flower without hard work. I feel it is a mistake to think that who you are right now represents all you are capable of. If you passively decide, "I'm a quiet person, so I'll just go through life being quiet," you won't ever fully realize your unique potential. Without having to change your character completely, you can become a person who, while still basically quiet, will say the right thing at the right time with real conviction. In the same way, a negative tendency toward impatience could be developed into a useful knack for getting things done quickly and efficiently.

But nothing is more immediate, or more difficult, than to confront and transform ourselves. It is always tempting to decide "That's just the kind of person I am." Unless we challenge this tendency early in life, it will become stronger with age. But the effort is worthwhile in the end, as I believe that nothing produces deeper satisfaction than successfully challenging our own weaknesses. As the Russian author Tolstoy wrote, "Supreme happiness is to find that you are a better person at the end of the year than you were at the beginning."

Human revolution is not something extraordinary, or divorced from our daily lives. It often begins in a small way. Take a man who thinks only of himself, his family and friends. Then, one day, he makes a move to break out of these narrow confines just a little, going out of his way to help a suffering neighbor. This the start of his human revolution.

But this process of human revolution cannot be undertaken alone. It is through our interactions with others that we polish our lives and grow as human beings. In Japan, mountain potatoes known as taros are rough and dirty when harvested, but when put in water and rolled against each other, the skin peels away, leaving the potatoes shining and ready for cooking. The only way to hone and polish our character is through our interactions with others.

By taking action for, and being positively engaged with others, we become better and more disciplined people. But this doesn't mean making others happy while ignoring ourselves or our own happiness. The happiness we create as individuals, and the strong bonds we create with each other, result in the happiness of all mankind.

Transforming our own lives at the most fundamental level actually holds the key to changing society. A deep change in our outlook, the inner reality of our life, produces changes in the external workings of our life, in other people, and our community.

I firmly believe that a great human revolution in just a single individual can help achieve a change in the destiny of a nation and enable a change in all humankind.

The life of Mahatma Gandhi illustrates this point. As a boy he was painfully shy. He was always worried people would make fun of him. Even after passing his exams as a lawyer, he was still timid. When he rose to present the opening arguments in his first court case, his mind went blank from nerves and he had to leave the courtroom.

But a turning point occurred when he was in South Africa, where Indian residents faced severe discrimination. Gandhi was riding in a first-class carriage on a train, when he was ordered to move to the freight car. He refused, and was eventually forced off the train. In the waiting area at the station, Gandhi stayed awake all night, debating whether he should return to India or endure the hardship of taking a stand and fighting for human rights. He finally realized that it would be cowardice to run from his fears and disregard people being discriminated against as he had been.

From that moment, Gandhi squarely faced and challenged his timid nature, determined to challenge injustice. And his inner change sparked one of the greatest developments of the twentieth century-the movement for social change through non-violence.

Every single person has tremendous potential which is largely untapped. Through the hard work of our human revolution, this potential can be revealed and we can establish an independent, unconquerable sense of self. We can deal creatively with any situation that life has to offer. This open-ended process enables us to keep growing and developing throughout our lives, and beyond. We will never meet a deadlock in our eternal journey of self-realization.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

when low goes high



read a book that discusses paradox, everything has one, life is one. you can see it all around you, hear it al around you. recently i had been enjoying the beats of a hit song and all i could really catch were few words here and there and when curiosity got the better of me - i looked up the lyrics, was a lil surprised at what i had been humming( almost) - paradox you say? have a look here :

[Chorus:]
Shawty had them Apple Bottom Jeans [Jeans]
Boots with the fur [With the fur]
The whole club was lookin at her
She hit the flo [She hit the flo]
Next thing you know
Shawty got low low low low low low low low

Them baggy sweat pants
And the Reeboks with the straps [With the straps]
She turned around and gave that big booty a smack [Ayy]
She hit the flo [She hit the flo]
Next thing you know
Shawty got low low low low low low low low

[Verse 1:]
I ain't never seen nuthin that'll make me go,
This crazy all night spendin my dough
Had a million dollar vibe and a bottle to go
Dem birthday cakes, they stole the show
So sexual, she was flexible
Professional, drinkin X and ooo
Hold up wait a minute, do I see what I think I
Whoa
Did I think I seen shorty get low
Ain't the same when it's up that close
Make it rain, I'm makin it snow
Work the pole, I got the bank roll
Imma say that I prefer them no clothes
I'm into that, I love women exposed
She threw it back at me, I gave her more
Cash ain't a problem, I know where it goes

She had them

[Chorus:]
Apple Bottom Jeans [Jeans]
Boots with the fur [With the fur]
The whole club was lookin at her
She hit the flo [She hit the flo]
Next thing you know
Shawty got low low low low low low low low

Them baggy sweat pants
And the Reeboks with the straps [With the straps]
She turned around and gave that big booty a smack
[Ayy]
She hit the flo [She hit the flo]
Next thing you know
Shawty got low low low low low low low low

[Verse 2:]
Hey
Shawty what I gotta do to get you home
My jeans full of gwap
And they ready for Shones
Cadillacs Maybachs for the sexy grown
Patrone on the rocks that'll make you moan

One stack (come on)
Two stacks (come on)
Three stacks (come on, now that's three grand)
What you think I'm playin baby girl
I'm the man, I'll bend the rubber bands

That's what I told her, her legs on my shoulder
I knew it was ova, that Henny and Cola
Got me like a Soldier
She ready for Rover, I couldn't control her
So lucky oo me, I was just like a clover
Shorty was hot like a toaster
Sorry but I had to fold her,
Like a pornography poster
She showed her

[Chorus:]
Apple Bottom Jeans [Jeans]
Boots with the fur [With the fur]
The whole club was lookin at her
She hit the flo [She hit the flo]
Next thing you know
Shawty got low low low low low low low low

Them baggy sweat pants
And the Reeboks with the straps [With the straps]
She turned around and gave that big booty a smack [Ayy]
She hit the flo [She hit the flo]
Next thing you know
Shawty got low low low low low low low low

[Verse 3:]
Whoa
Shawty
Yea she was worth the money
Lil mama took my cash,
And I ain't want it back,
The way she bit that rag,
Got her them paper stacks,
Tattoo Above her crack,
I had to handle that,

I was on it, sexy woman, let me shownin
They be want it two in the mornin
I'm zonin in them rosay bottles foamin
She wouldn't stop, made it drop
Shorty did that pop and lock,
Had to break her off that gwap
Gah it was fly just like my glock

[Chorus:]
Apple Bottom Jeans [Jeans]
Boots with the fur [With the fur]
The whole club was lookin at her
She hit the flo [She hit the flo]
Next thing you know
Shawty got low low low low low low low low

Them baggy sweat pants
And the Reeboks with the straps [With the straps]
She turned around and gave that big booty a smack [Ayy]
She hit the flo [She hit the flo]
Next thing you know
Shawty got low low low low low low low low

C'mon

being gall-less



a lil over ten days ago, i underwent a surgery. we all feel differently about our personal challenges, this one was supreme for me.

i was diagnosed with gall stones a long time ago, i immediately decided to get it operated, after all, i was a young, stoic girl, too busy with life to waste a moment over what really had to be done and gotten over with. fixed an appointment, got the OT booked, all set for it. then i heard my cousin had delivered a baby and we went to see her, only to lose her hours later to the same surgery, she was diagnosed with the gall stones during her pregnancy and was operated soon after her delivery, the surgeon slipped and gave her pancreatistis and that was it. i cancelled my OT booking.

months later, my other cousin goes through hell with the same surgery, suffering two years before she could surface. all in all, i was terrified, if not worse. alot happened soon after, many many homeopaths were tried and tested and chucked, only to gain an unfathomable amount of weight...thats when i realised, i couldn’t hide any longer, the truth is staring me in my face, cajoling me sometimes, beseeching me at others, and when i don’t look, yelling inside my ears!

if there is a mystic law, its this. last year i was hospitalised for exhaustion, thats when i discovered my life long suffering cause - thalassemia. that answered so many questions for me. im glad that i got operated post this discovery, it was important. ofcourse the surgery went well, ofcourse i was i am recovering just fine. the acidity took its toll, incase you dont know this already, they actually pump CO2 into you before they cut those holes and the gas takes it time before it bids adieu!

to top it all, the bladder actually looks so innocent, baby pink, no taller than your thumb, it was floating in a jar, with those puppy eyes, but i had to let go...(LOL). i still have the stones, they are black and have this rough texture, divided between keeping them and flushing them...hmmmm. but the good thing is i have already begun to lose some weight and im feeling good that soon i will be myself ( and can wear that dress im dying to wear!). in the meanwhile im being spoilt, with care, love and presents, have a pile of books i havent opened, perfumes i havent sniffed, bags i cant carry yet...shoes too high for my delicate state...but its such a nice place to be- all nice and cozy!!!

i cant bend, take the stairs, eat out, jump, dance, shop, become one with the most scrumptious chocolates, but i can walk, can talk, can read, i can sit back and watch as many movies, sleep like a baby and smile, the worst is over...

Thursday, May 29, 2008

love is a losing game

i love the new video by amy winehouse - tears dry on their own, so true...they really do. i also came across the lyrics of her another hit, thought i would share:

For you I was the flame,
Love is a losing game
Five story fire as you came,
Love is losing game

One I wish I never played,
Oh, what a mess we made
And now the final frame,
Love is a losing game

Played out by the band,
Love is a losing hand
MOre than I could stand,
Love is a losing hand

Self professed and profound
Tilter tips were down
Know you’re a gambling man
Love is a loosing hand

Tho' I battled blind,
Love is a fate resigned
Memories mar my mind,
Love is a fate resigned

Over futile odds,
And laughed at by the Gods
And now the final frame,
Love is a losing game

gym dreams

what to do? i had no idea a squigly lil gall bladder can cause me so much emotional angst! apparently the homeopathic meds i have been taking have ensured a sudden "flab gain"! and i am devastated! waking up was like a nightmare, my pyjamas had shrunk! anyways, like someone i know says - just do damage control, i decided to hit the gym! i checked out the cool gym last evening, it has a DJ playing!!! is that cool or what! and while i pump the cardio on the treadmill, i can have an eyeful of the fish in the swimming pool...you know what i mean...lol well, like everything else i have a goal, i wanna work it out till i am as fit as these guys in this video, i really wanna be able to do that! enjoy!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

god has left the ground to circle the earth

this morning, while i was nursing a glum mood, i asked a very dear friend to cheer me up, he sent me this link on youtube - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLNyVLbqdEg&feature=related

A boy with a coin he found in the weeds
With bullets and pages of trade magazines
Close to a car that flipped on the turn
When God left the ground to circle the world

A girl with a bird she found in the snow
Then flew up her gown and that’s how she knows
If God made her eyes for crying at birth
Then left the ground to circle the earth

A boy with a coin he crammed in his jeans
Then making a wish he tossed in the sea
Walked to a town that all of us burn
When God left the ground to circle the world

many have debated the meaning of this song, to me it is a story, of hope, wishes and life. life as it is, the real thing, tough, unfair, un reasonable, yet it makes us want to live. somedays i too feel like this- as if god has left the ground to circle the world. cheers

Monday, May 26, 2008

delhi scums


i have sampled enough books on the gender divide and i have licked through pages defining the DNA of this gulf and the benefits of working around them, i have studied human behavior and how the ecology affects it, yet, im astounded by the average man in my city - Delhi. do not get me wrong, i love my city, born here, brought up here, have traveled half the world to get back, my best of friends are here, and i have many a crushes on some of the cutest Delhi men, but the masses, they shock me, unnerve me and make me feel like running away.

as a delhi girl, one would expect me to be completely immune to the regular chagrin of this frustrated lot, eve teasing now elicits almost no reaction, college did grow me up, having witnessed at least 3 incidents of men flashing in a week, and no there was nothing much to admire, what really gets to me is the lack of respect. an average Delhi man has no respect for a woman, it is a decision i have arrived at, it starts by the guard who opens the door, the moment he sees the woman driver, his attitude changes, he believes only half the gate is sufficient for us, or the guy driving the car behind me, the moment he whiffs that i am a woman, his ego is crashed and converts him into a Schumacher! he has to over take me or else he may have to cut his manhood off!

its appalling how many times i have had to yell just to be heard that the man yelling at me should talk to me in a decent tone and manner for me to respond, the parking guy, to the mail guy...they ring the bell and on seeing a woman, they suddenly feel superior!

i have been a victim of sexual harassment at work and it was traumatic, and if i ever believed that it would end with that organisation, i was in for a rude shock, its impossible not to be harassed, its every where, its just dormant and comes alive at a least of provocation. im told n number of times that a strong attractive woman makes a man insecure, that’s just not the complete truth, its the category of men that matters not the attractiveness of the woman, its how they are brought up, its what they witness in their home.

a friend recently asked me what can we do as a society to make women feel better, i told him change men, their mindset, teach them respect and we will be happy.

i wish they would see that they don’t have to be threatened, they only have to believe in themselves and it can be a happy place, till then, watch out disrespecting wriggling scum, i don’t forgive easy...

Friday, May 16, 2008

life - the one in your hands


Haven’t written in a long time…been busy finishing work, nursing my dehydration and dreaming of a better life…have I shared about the time, actually a moment, sitting in a fancy car, somewhere in the slums of Mumbai, I realized I had many reasons to be happy, and the people outside my car( see how small my world seemed, as big as a car), yet they looked far happier than me. Why does it take so little to be unhappy and just so much to be otherwise? I sat there making a list in my mind of everything I have and will always, and realized I had everything I could need and want, I have everything I need to be happy.

I speak to myself, im sure many of us to do the same, and ever so often I slip into self pity, “I wish…” list and then I see or experience something that makes me so grateful. I indulge in the paradigm of heaven on earth, forgetting that nothing in life is continuous except for life itself…nothing is forever, not this moment, this thought, not this feeling, deed, nothing lasts, everything has a deadline, and yet its there in full glory, like a flower, blooming before it wilts…what is gorgeous about life is its will to exist despite the challenges, to live, breathe, exist, love, despite everything that stands to extinguish it, that’s life and like Dr Peck puts it “life is difficult, life is complex.” Buts its so worth living…

i guess it is true, life is truly in your hands, what you make of it, how you let it fly, depends on your attitude, your will and your outlook and always remember, we all slip, we all go down that path reserved for self pity and sometimes loathing, and thats just fine as long as you surface from it, wiser and stronger.

Here is to life, the one we live and the one we want to live.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

missed flight


im waiting for my flight, having missed my original flight by two minutes, the girl who usually checks me in took pity and gave me the lounge card, im sitting among the first class regulars, most of them old and bored, feel like this pretender...but its quite ok, food is bad, coffee bitter but im happy i got this time to peacefully blog, with the wifi and a massage chair. im reading a book - andy warhol, the philosophy of andy warhol, and im enthused with ideas about my blog! ive been his big fan, but right now im practically buzzing with concepts, also i had a fabulous meeting and even though it helped me miss my flight, it was well worth it.

you know how you just have to nail a moment...how do you do that? how do you freeze the moment sand seeps, or the wave kisses, or when the lash falls down your cheek and he notices...well this is not half as romantic but i wanted to nail sitting among these pseudo achievers who feel segregating is gaining worth, wanted to nail this feeling, this high i am experiencing after a rushed day that was full of achievements, want to nail this very moment i am feeling, life could not be better, FREE is such a powerful word, you have no idea...

i don’t talk about the free diet coke or the massage chair, i talk about the free spirit and although relaxing, this "first class lounge" is rather over sold... life is so much more than a lounge that has a single toilet seat, or the crew that takes 30 mins to activate the wifi, its more than this feeling that will last a few hours, its not about the pot bellied, farting old men mingling around, flashing their wealth by glimpses of watches and phones and monogrammed bags, life is this moment of bliss, looking forward to being home, victorious... but im not complaining, i got my diet coke...( and it's free!!!)cheers!!!

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

best friend's wedding


my best friend is getting married. we have been together now for 17 years, a long time one would say, but look at us, we still havent seen a single movie in a theatre together yet, or holidayed together, we haven't even gone on a double date or other silly girly things we ought to do. yet we are, besfriends. we have had our moments, this once when we stuck this digestive in our mouths, it turns the tongue black, we would run to the mirror and stick it out pretending to be the goddess "kaali", or when we would pretend to be scared of the washing machine, we were older than the kids who are usually scared of rotating washing machines, but we just thought it was fun. then we have our "boy" moments, bashing them, or just romancing them, been there nursing each other's pains. boys came and went, college came and went, so did promotions and many jobs, we stayed, still laughing, still silly, still us.

we have not always been good, how can 17 years go by without any murmur of a hustle. we have had or differences, our odd fights, and we would always make up, one phone call and we were there, smiling at each other. i dont know anyone who can call me a "bitch" and make me feel good, idont know anyone else i could bake a cake for wven when im burning with a high fever, or anyone else i could forgive as easily. i have known her for so long and yet we feel like interesting strangers sometimes.

she has seen me through almost everything, seen my worst and my best, she never had to prove her solidarity to me, we could be silent and know we were heard, we could move far away and still feel like we just around the block.

i do miss the little "run aways" to call the boyfriends, a lil escapade lusting after an innocent adventure, i miss our school memories where we did everything possible to sit together, i remember how once she forgot her book and to save her i took the blame, but no, she wouldnt have it, how we kept tugging at the blame, till the teacher let us be, there are just so many memories and they are so sweet, so painful, so dear.

it pains to see you go so far away, to know that we may not have as many momeries together, but we need to move on, you need to make yours and i need to mine, and when we meet next, we will have so much to share.

you are my best friend and i am so happy to see you step into this crucial part of life, may happiness always kiss your feet, may you find in him the friend you are leaving behind.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

what is mine?


many philosophers have argued the concept of possession, what can be yours? if one can barter it, is it really a possession? that doesnt last? well, it does, a moment spent with it, makes it yours and the more you like it the more it is yours.

i love the iphone. i lusted after it till i finally was blessed with one. the interactive, touch screen menu, the chrome frame, the slick graphics, everything about it made me fall in love. my romance lasted two months, till it was rudely stolen from my bag while i shopped for a juicy sienna t shirt. i dont think anyone really understands how it hurts, not just because its the most lusted after piece of art but the shock that anyone, and i mean anyone, including this invisible stranger who thought my phone was conveniently his, can simply break into my space and take what he fancies! anyone, can at anytime take what is yours...gets you thinking again, if it was really yours, it would stay...

Monday, March 31, 2008

wearing a burkha


On my recent trip to the arab world, a beautiful world, where everything is new and shiny, a world that shimmers with undying passion, I was touched by the burkha. What I witnessed was not a vain, unadulterated faith that soon became a confinement, or a tradition that cannot be questioned, I saw the blackness of the fabric, as it flowed from head to toe, not just hiding but also accentuating what they want me to see.

Doe like eyes, done up with a practiced hand, I wondered what hand would have done that, almost like an artists making the brush dance till creates what’s imagined inside the mind. Camouflaging the truth behind the kajal, allowing peeks and flickers of the reality through them, every flutter telling another story. These black forms floated around, knowing exactly what they wanted me to see, the exceptionally manicured hands, the live eyes, that designer watch and formidable heels. Everything else that mattered, everything else that was real, was shadowed. Those desires, those emotions, the heart, the mind, were all hidden.

I asked myself why hide anything, why something that belongs to me, inherently is a vice? Why being myself can in itself be a threat?

I see these women and men and I wonder, why wear a burkha, what don’t they know, is it that what you cannot see you do not consider? Then I must too wear a burkha…masking my life in my various expressions, hiding truth and beseeching lies. Showing what I want the world to see. engineering perception. I too wear the burkha, protecting the vulnerable part of me. Just mine I can see. Its as black as it should be, opaque and it allows nothing.

will the fullness of time, ever fade this black? I do not know.