end of un-natatural exclusion

however much i supported my gay friends, i never fathomed that india would be one of the progressive thinkers and doers of this new human right history. from today, the homosexual community can have legal sex in india, but logically, it should have been the first, a country that nurtures diversity with such a velvet glove, should have actually opened its arms years ago, if you think about it.

as i witnessed joy and celebration on the TV screens, the unhappy lot got me thinking...i not only accpeted my gay friends but loved them, how can you not, they infact are so giving, think about it, they truly have no hidden plans, they love and want to be loved and i see women around me accept them and love them equally well, its the men i see, observe and listen and find them homo phobic! why would you think that?

whether my male friends, family or even my ex, they all believed and justified that sex was what men did because nature insisted. they had to sow their seeds, thats how the universe moved forward and therefore it was something they just did and mostly, had no emotional quotient at all. that justified their sleeping around with no strings attached. they just ought to ejaculate! it is for mother nature. however, women on the other hand, need that thing called love, that soft touch, lingering kiss, expanded pupils and ofcourse the cuddle! homosexuality proves men wrong. its really that simple. a guy cannot be having sexual intercourse with another guy to create a baby, its not what mother nature apparently asked off the boys...it proves that sex can mean more than an a child producing activity, more than an ejaculation, much more than a vent to all the stress at work situation,no more, mine is bigger than yours... it actually proves men being capable of alot more give and take and we all know how nervous that can make non gay men...

believe

"do not read the tabloids" he said in interviews after interviews, he kept pleading innocence for all crimes we his so called fans levied on to him. no, there is no oxygen chamber, there is no skin bleach, there is no contract marriage and there was never any child abuse, yet we did'nt believe him. he kept saying he was in love with life, with his fans, with children, that he wanted happiness, education, health, he really wanted to heal the world, but did we listen? he sang his heart out, performed to wow us, created fantasy in this material world, gave hugs and joy and music, the gift of music, but were we listening?

sometimes i wonder why death has to remind us of life. why can't we see simple truths for themselves any longer? why do we take for granted the goodness? why could we no believe that MJ could really be all that nice, that he really was shy, that his skin was diseased, that he adored children and wanted a life he had to let go, that he wanted to live and he wanted to love and be loved. why could we not believe when he kept saying it, showing it, singing it? do we not believe that one of us could be honest? do we doubt our own race? our own people? do we have an iota of trust left within us?

there are im sure many MJ's around you, pleading innocence, waiting to be loved. maybe they are what they say they are. give them a chance, undo this curse and believe.

monkey house

yes i do watch project runway among other such reality shows that cater to the creative existance within...however entertaining they are, once segregated from the given context, they can truly give some larger perpherial advice. one such episode, had Tim tell a designer about monkey house. He said that sometimes we step into a monkey house and are over whelmed with the stink...however if we stick around, we kind of get used to it and if we live there, we dont think it stinks at all...

if we look within our lives, we could possibly have many such monkey houses, relationships, careers and sometimes and mostly our own inherent flaws. It is only wise then to step outside for fresh air and realise how bad it really is. i wonder if my relationship was a monkey house, i know for sure that my job was...sometimes our decisions can be a monkey house and just because we have lived with that decision, it becomes livable when it just stinks.

ever have it all?

red, thats what im wearing tonight, sitting in my room , waiting for the phone call, ready to go. so much can change in moments. tonight, the family unites to give away our lil girl. she is much younger than me and our journey together has had its ups and downs, however, we we have been together, hating or loving each other and today as i wait to give her away, as the older sis, so many thoughts run through me. i dont know when we will watch a movie together, gossip, exchange makeup tips, do all the girly fun things. it also pushes me to think about building new relationships and making them wonderful. as i feel happy for her, i do feel a pinch in my heart remembering someone...everything in life is give and take and you can never have it all...

it starts with you

the world thinks i will move on
but in my heart there is a song
it starts with you

you said what you said
i heard it all
you winced my soul
and let me fall

side by side
not face to face
i thought we were together

you reached out at me
not to me
and drop by every drop
you plunged my heart

hiss after hiss
the evening grew dark
tears sprung deep inside me

you didnt finish, you didnt see
you left a bit breathing inside me
and inside that heart there is a song
that song ends with me

what you may not say to me...

Sometimes we find it hard to accept, even when the writing is on the wall. It is written in front of you, you see the pen, you see the hand, you see the writing, yet you nod in non acceptance. You believe what your eyes are telling you is a lie, what your ear help travel to your mind is a lie, what you feel inside you, that, that is the truth.

When you can still feel the love swirl inside your belly, gushing with your blood, when you know you have truly loved, you believe you will be loved. You may ask why i write so about love, let me tell you...we are because of love, everything lives because of love. Why else would a man toil all day, learn new languages, push the limits, find new meanings? To share, to find that peculiar sense of happiness you only feel when you love. Why struggle with life and it’s puny games if there is no one person who would drop everything for you in the name of love? What have you earned besides the glint and twinkle of riches, the ink that wrote your name, the mouth that spoke your name, where it valued the most, these things, as i call them, hold no value, what have you in your wallet that i consider love?

You may tell me its romantic and that romance has no reasoning with the real life, i tell you my dear fella, real life as you may call it is not worth living without a bit of loving. You define practical as the way to live, i feel its an excuse to hide behind, lug your emotions and fears in this new garb and never be brave enough to face your own self, your own fears. Practical is one big disguise, you are never weak, never hurt, never concerned, the world becomes your room, where you know exactly what is where, a handful of insensitivity in the morning, right there, next to the jar of sarcasm, your favourite perfume of nonchalance, your mug full of pretence that keeps you going all day...you know exactly where what is and you feel, you are happy, how can you be happy, you traded your soul with this disguise, you can’t feel anything, not even happiness, not even in this room.

You may have re iterated what you think is the writing in hand by fate, but everytime i repeat after you, the words sound different in my mouth. They say you have no courage and the wisdom to know better, you believe you have found the answer, but don’t know that in the long run it doesn’t matter. I hear you when you say it again and again and i hear you when you go silent, hopelessly hoping i would understand. What you don’t know is that my ear is tuned to your heart that sings a song to me, you can’t hear it, you have forgotten what it is to love.

is love "passé"

sometimes i wonder what keeps a relationship going? long after the proverbial "honeymoon period" has dried up and left no stains. also, does it have to take two to make it really work? and also, does it always have to work?

i understand there is a graph for any relationship, but isn't it a shame that the quieter one is always tracking it and is taken to be the weaker one. over the many years i have stuffed into fewer years, i have come to realise that it takes alot more to silently forgive the one you love while they unleash their wrath unfairly ocourse, at you. ive realised that it takes alot of patience to wait till they return to be the self you had fallen in love with and that sometimes the wait never ends.

im sure we all believe that the one that makes us feel sweet is the one and we pray so furiously that we then believe it will happen. what does one do, when change has come knocking? what can you do to reach out and make your partner realise that the best gifts of life are they, themselves. that life is a bitch and you both can make more of it than alone grudgingly. that whatever comes, happens and encroaches, as long as they love, it too shall pass. what language can you talk? what song can you sing? what dance can you dance? how do you penetrate hopelessness and draw out the hidden person?

sometimes i wonder if i should let love be such an important part of my life, specifically when everyone tells me it has been replaced by "convenience". apparently, thats the in thing. the endless phone calls are now texts for the next rendezvous, love poems are now the latest gigs, proposals are now simply strategic.

i still read my poems and dream of his arms around me, i still remind myself of his warmth every time he held me. i still smile when the phone rings and pout when have to hang up. i guess im old fashioned, im way too much in love with love to give it all up.